Dec 30, 2010

This decade... an overview

In my previous post I said that I’d update here regularly but it couldn’t happen due to some reasons( maybe I’m quite busy :P )… recently my mind got a flash thought  that the decade is going to end in few days, so why not try to remember the whole decade(Starting from 2000 to 2010). So I sat down and thought deeply about this decade… it’s really quite interesting. From 5th class to 4th year it’s really been a long journey… so I just want to put up some of my memories in this decade.
            To start with this decade started when most beautiful and memorable days are going on in my life. Those days are nothing but the days in railway school. And the railway quarters life is really awesome. One should feel that experience of staying in a quarters. I was studying 5th class when the new-year is about to come. There were a lot of discussions about Y2K problem, new millennium, etc… the greeting cards were printed in a new way, much different to the greetings I saw prior to 2000. I bought heaps of greetings as my number of friends is too many. I have to give greetings to all my class mates and also to also to all my friends in quarters. To summarize a railway quarters life in our days, there is no “my house” over there, everyone is free to go in to one others house and the relations used to be so clean, there used to be no difference between guys and girls and children of my age are present in heaps and we all used to mingle with each other like own brothers and sisters. The whole quarters used to celebrate all the festivals together.  New millennium started in my 5th standard. New-year celebrations were made in a grand way in colony and all the people of our colony wished each other and I still remember the “nuvvekavali” movie song being played that day… that’s the first song that I heard in this millennium. The year 2000 passed so happily completed my 5th class under “koteswaramma mam”. Then I entered 6th class in the same year. If my memory is correct I went to Varanasi during summer holidays to stay with my sister and my beautiful nephew and niece. They were small kids that time. 6th class was the best class I came across in my life. This is the first time I had Telugu as a subject. I have to thank my dad who helped me to learn Telugu so easily. I don’t want to mention any friends name over here but our batch was superb batch in railway school. A section stands for unity. And my batch in railway colony was even better. Our school used to end at 4.30pm and then we used to go to ground and play some games. Our houses were like they were interconnected. Even though there are friends in my block in colony we all used to go to another block where in every house there is a friend. We all used to go to same tuition after playing some time in evening. And Sunday is the happiest day for us. All of our friends no matter a guy or a girl use to combine and play for the whole day. Much before were the cartoon network days. These days are playing days. I still remember the pen punishment given by social sir in 5th and the home work was to write all the half yearly or quarterly question papers 2 or 3 times in holidays. We all used to sit together and write the homework in a single day and play the remaining days J .2000 was a beautiful year and 2001 too continued to be like that. 2001 started in my mid 6th class and during summer vacation I remember that we went to shirdi. Not to forget the trip to Warangal we had in 6th. Railways are ours so we had a beautiful trip. In mid 2001 I entered 7th class. Everyone used to frighten me that 7th class is going to me my future and I have to give my best out of that. My days in railway school in 7th were superb and the time we had spent in tuition was still better. I still remember that I was a leader in tuition :D. 2001 was finished very happily for me. I still remember all the naught and adventurous things that me and my friends did in railway colony. We went for two tours in this year. One is to nagarjuna sagar and the other is to Sibar water world. I got my teeth broken in that water world. 2002 started in a very happy way. In my seventh my sister and brother in law got transfer from Varanasi to khammam. I was happy that I can spend time with kids during all the holidays. My seventh common exams were started in mid 2002. I used to go to exam center in Revathi akka’s cycle. Revathi akka is my neighbor for name but more than a sister for me. I used to spend most of my time in their house.
            In 2002 most sad incident happened in my life. We shifted from railway colony to patamata. Patamata is a place where people live their own life. There will be no connection between people living over here. This happened because Mr. Chigurupati vara Prasad suggested my parents to join me in his school for better studies. So my sister came all the way from khammam to join me in Sri Krishnaveni talent school. Everything’s new to me over there. I was really worried thinking how I can mingle with a new set of friends. I was addicted to colony life full of life and happiness. And I was addicted to railway school where all the students were equal both financially and in the way we study. Here everyone is so studious and many belong to families of strong financial background. So initially I was tensed thinking how I can cope up with the people over there. Seriously I don’t know anyone in that school when I joined. The school used to be till night so staying in home is so less. And whenever I stay in home I used to feel so lonely coz there used to be no friends near my house. This is the first time I came to know what is meant by being lonely. I just used to go to school study and come back. Slowly people in the school started becoming my friends. An advantage to me is that I used to study in a Special Hindi section and I cannot change the class till I leave the school. One thing different in this school is that talking with girls was a very big sin to the coordinators and they never allowed that. So I became so friendly with people over there and 8th class was a good experience. 2003 started normally without celebrations and I always used to look for a chance to go to railway colony. Diwali is celebrated the best way in railway colony and till my 10th I used to go there for celebrating Diwali. 2003 was a very nice year. My actual krishnaveni life started at this point of time. As I will be friendly with everyone, everyone became so close to me. In 2003 my sister got shifted to Vijayawada following transfer order to my brother in law. So I used to go there in free time on my bicycle. In mid 2003 I entered 9th after passing 8th successfully. Our E section was split in to two sections in 9th due to more strength of Special Hindi students. All the people who are close with me in 8th were in F and I was put in E section. Some of my good friends gave me company in initial days and new friendships too became very close in 9th standard. Sirs used to have a special eye on me as they think that I am the naughtiest one in the class. They always take special care on me. A very good batch was formed in 9th and it could be said the best class I studied. And everyday my coordinator used to catch me and my friends when I was returning home after school is left. All my friends who used to stay in school surrounding used to roam for a long time on our bicycles. The days with bicycles were superb. And the enjoyment in the school was awesome. 2004 new-year started happily and 9th class was completed in a superb way by writing common exams in ZPS. Several outings with friends and so on… I entered 10th in 2004 again the same thing happened to me. Sections E and F were shuffled and all my friends who are close to me were in E and I was sent to F. This time there was a kind of groupism in the classes. It’s obvious that everyone wants to become a hero and show his heroism. Many people in my class used to be like the way I said. Most of the time I used to go to the E section and spend time with my friends over there. As both our sections used to be together ours is a very famous E and F batch in school. They are the best buddies and 10th class was a very happy period of time for me. The enjoyment we used to have in school is ultimate which can never be brought back. 2005 started well... I completed my tenth in mid 2005. It’s really most memorable year and the farewell party we had cannot be forgotten. After tenth my parents had lots of expectation on me as I used to study well that time.
            So they joined me in ramayyah coaching in Hyderabad keeping me in relative’s hostel. The hostel was actually a flat in which 18 members of my coaching center were kept in. All of the remaining people used to treat me as great because I was the relative of the hostel’s owner. I conveyed them that I too belong to their age and said them that we’ll have a great time. We exactly did the same. 30 days of nonstop enjoyment. We 18 people together roamed almost whole Hyderabad. I still remember a guy having an ATM card with him and spend money for us. Out of 30 days we went to coaching institute for 3 or 4 days. I loved the hostel life over there. For the first time in my life I felt so free and that is the time I enjoyed a lot. 18 people, everyone from different parts of state… ultimate enjoyment. Obviously I got negative marks in ramayyah entrance test but secured seat in some IIT institutes in Hyderabad. My dad convinced me that studying in Vijayawada is far better and I returned back. Joined in Sri Chaitanya junior college and was along with some of my schoolmates. I shifted many sections and once selected for going to IIT campus. I couldn’t leave my friends so I didn’t go over there. At last I ended up in IC batch, a batch which is full of wealthy people. I had some of my school friends and due to my habit of mingling with people I mingled with each and everyone over there and enjoyed my days over there. Intermediate was so fast that I didn’t even knew when 2006 and 2007 came. My marks in 1st inter was so good and I was in special batch in inter 2nd year till midterm and then shifted to 1A section where I got a good bunch of friends. And then due to some stresses I shifted to 1B section and there also I got a good bunch of friends. So my circle in inter was so big and many people became friends in my life. Inter was completed very fast and all competitive exams were written by me. Due to my silly mistakes I didn’t get good score in any of the exams. Missed seat in many colleges in border and EAMCET became my hope at last. I had a seat in Siddhartha College but due to force from my father and sister I took a seat seeking ECE in a new college in Vijayawada.
            This is where my life started. In summer holidays of inter I roamed many places and went to several religious places. During October 2007 my college started. Initially I was shocked looking at the college. Here too I knew no one when I entered. I knew some of the faces and that people were not close with me. Then slowly some people became friendly with me. 1st year was good. Not good when compared to my previous years of studies but it’s not bad too. My studies were good in the beginning stage of my Previously I used to be afraid to talk with girls and this fear is removed in My studies went on well till mid second year. For 2008 new-year I received several wishes, from my school and inter friends and slowly the number began reducing. Everyone is busy with their own life. Life’s become so commercial when people started growing. Still I stay in contact with all my childhood buddies but we can never be the way we were before. And to come to my life, the life became so sucking that I cannot even explain the way it went bad. As it is said that everyone will have a bad time in their life my life’s bad time started when I was in 2nd half of second year in and that continues till now. Everything’s fine till 2008 and there’s nothing great to be said about 2009 and 2010. These are the 2 years that were wasted in this decade. Of course there were some good times that I had when I was with my old pals and when I was in some meetings. In my view the life is not a happy one for me. Several downs… frustrations… disappointments… insults… so on... There were some good friends in this time but because of my problems I couldn’t enjoy with them too. Over all the bad phase is still going on at this point of time and I seriously wish that new decade starts with a new hope and my happy life and my happiness back to me.
            I just summarized the decade so far simply… if the whole decade was to be discussed I can remember well but the number of pages will reach a ton. I’ll write some of my life’s best moments over here but this post is meant to summarize this decade… 2000-2010… the decade which showed me everything about life. This is most important decade too coz these memories stay forever until my breath stops. I learnt how to live in life, I’ve got several friends, I’ve enjoyed a lot, I’ve seen my worst phase… what not everything in this decade… ten quick years. As of now I just wish myself for my next decade to be rocking with god’s blessings. Cheers J

Dec 3, 2010


Welcome to my blog… few months back I removed all my previous posts and emptied my blog. I just felt that there is no necessity for writing a blog. But now I am so much frustated that I didn’t find anyone to share my inner feelings. To be frank I have to say MY LIFE IS SUCKING TO ITS PEAK at this moment. I don’t know about my future and and don’t even dare to dream anything about that coz whatever I wish is going upside down. Some say to be optimistic but I didn’t find anything optimistic regarding that. If anyone starts counting the most unluckiest persons in this world they should start from me and I have my explenations for that. I just have to analyze what made my life this much worst. God is too harsh on me. To my knowledge I didn’t do any harm to anyone. I always wish that everyone around me should be happy, and I always try to make others happy. After these many days when I looked back everyone around me is very happy except me. These dialouges might seem to be very routine in typical indian movies or daily soaps in television, but they do happen… and the example is me.
                I feel like sharing a lot of things, seriously burst out my heart. So I thought of sharing my affliction with someone, so I started thinking who that SOMEONE is. Let me take the probabilities..
1)      1)I came on this beautiful earth just because of my parents. I have been surviving just because of them. Though I was born too late for them they gave me everything, more than what is required for a child from a lower middle class family. As one of my positive point is that I can adjust a lot I didn’t ask for anything what these days so called YOUTH ask their parents like motercycles, playstations etc etc… I always thought that a retaired railway employe giving me a seat in engineering college, giving a PC with internet connection, a mobile etc was more than enough for me and I never even wished anything more. I am very happy with what I have. So afer  thinking this way, I should feel like sharing everything with my parents. But it’l never work out. I am sure about that. I know what my parents need. They just want me to STUDY STUDY and STUDY… they need nothing else. They never even like to talk with me anything other than studies. I always fell like lying beside my mother and talk some stuff. As soon as I start the topic will get diverted to studies. Seriously I feel studies is a part of life but it should never be someones life.( this is purely my feeling and that’s not a saying). I wanna sit beside my dad and talk something jovially. I never tried of that because he never gives me that chance. He is so serious  that what he wants me is only to study. I don’t want to complain on them coz they are paying so much on my studies and they will have that feeling for sure. Even if start saying my problem they say “you just study everything will be fine”. I don’t know how the hell can studying makes me happy..!!! they’l have their feelings and I respect them. Surely I was never that close with my parents to share my personal feelings, so even though i wish I could share something with them I couldn’t. So this probability fails….. I am just a son to my parents and I shal takecare of them forever.
2)     2)The only one who shares my blood is my sister. Being close with my sister is out of question. A damn big age gap between me and her makes it impossible. I really feel it as a wonder how there could be a 20 years gap between siblings. The gap between my nephew and my neice is nearly half to the age gap between me and my sis. Even if I say anything to my sister it is equivalent to saying to my mother. Bloody tata-tata free offer made my mother and sister talk for hours. So they both share everything as there is no much gap between them and both of them. I always wished I have a sister or a brother of my age, and that’s not possible for this life. I always missed the fun one have with their sibling and I always feel jealous when ever my sister’s kids were so close… me little unlucky in this case. So the second probality fails….
3)      3)Then I have to look at my family and relations. Frankly saying, I swear I don’t have any family or relations. My parents might be having a very huge family, large numer of relatives, I never talked with anyone of them. The only way to meet relatives is some functions that are held in the family. And when any function happens in family everyone will go except me. They’l make me sit alone in home, just to study. I don’t know what the hell I am going to achieve in a single or couple of days. I always want to have fun with my family members. Jus go out… chill out… make fun… have fun… play etc etc.. but I am a kinda lonely guy in family. I have many uncles, mamas, cousins but all of them were just there to ask me “ how r u? and how r u studying?” and I hate that..!!  so I feel “ telling that I don’t have a family is better than telling that I have a large family in which no ones  talks with me”. Even if any relatives come to our house they simply ask those bloody two questions and they talk for hours with my parents. they’l always have fun and I used to sit in another room just because I have to study L. So the 3rd probality fails..
4)    4)  Then comes friends.. I have lots of friends… 400 + in my facebook account. Mos t of them like me… some just talk with me casualy and some just stay in touch and some others just stay in my phone book or friends list. For many friends become a part of family, but not for me. I have many best friends. I make masti along with them, crack jokes, talk a lot with them, but never share my sadness with them. I always share my happiness with my friends. I have many friends who are very close to me. Sometimes when I am so frustated I sometimes do try to share my feelings with them, but 90% of them say “ lite tisko” ( take it easy). I don’t know how to take a problem that easy. I used to take everything easy couple of years back and that’s why my life now became so helpless. And some of my friends make fun of my troubles. I seriously don’t like that. I always like to be a reason for someones happiness but I don’t like that happen coz of my sorrow. And I am sure out of heaps of friends that are close with me now, may be 2 or 3 may be the same way they were now after they get settled in their lives. Now everyone has a common profesion called STUDENT. After some days everyone will have some status in society and they will not be the same. If I take that probability and check out the friends that I’l have after some years there are very few members who can be counted on fingers. And out of those few they’l look up on their life just by keeping in touch. Many times I used to think that I am very successful in maintaining relationships, but after a deep thinking I came to a conclusion that I have no best friends or atleast a friend for life. I love the people who love me and thus I love my friends, but I know this love will not last longer… so getting emotionally attached to a friend is not possible for me. One of my positives is that I am a very good observer thus I observed all my friends and concluded that they are all just friends and nothing much.. so the 4th probability fails. I may get some more friends in future, and at this age true friendship is not at all possible. Everyone is so selfish.. probabily I too learn to be selfish(which I don’t know).. then I may suceed in life. may be what I was talking in this category is irrelavent, I can explain that in my next posts.
5)     5)The 5th probability is a hypothetical one. The only relation that I am going to own and stay with forever. My love… I didn’t find any true love of my life. I always wish to have one lover. Not for what these days  love stories happen but to share my joy and sorrow. According to me the true meaning of a lover is that she should be with me in all situations of my life. when all the above four probabilities fail its obvious that I am a lonely guy. Then I feel bad for not having a lover. coz a lover stays with me forever. When I feel happy there will be one who will jump with me, when I feel like crying I’ll get a shoulder, when I am tired I’l get a lap to lie down, when I feel like expressing my love she’l be beside me telling that I am there for u. when my heart is so heavy a simple hug makes it lighter. A kiss in different situations makes me feel so happy becoz I have one person living for me and I have to live for her. I never dreamt of a beautiful girl to become my love. I just wanted a girl who can assure that she will be with me forever in all situations. These days girls just look for security and not for love. If that guy has wealth, study, beauty then girls run behind him. I don’t have any of the qualities menctioned. Neither I am handsome nor I am studious nor I am wealthy. So none of the girls even think of me in such a way. Even I feel that I can not make a girls life miserable simply by loving me. I can not give anything that a girl wishes. All I can do is simply love her and the present days girls need everything except true love. So this hypothetical probability remains as a hypothesis.

After looking at all these probabilities I just felt one thing that as of now there is no one for me. I don’t even know who will leave me at what point of time. But untill I die there will be one person who wil be with me and that one is “ME”. So there will be no question of feeling bad as I can express all my feelings to myself. There will be always truth when I talk to myself. As I can not be seperted from me even if I don’t like me I have to stay with me. The breaking of relation will never arise, so I can be truthful, honest and free. There is no problem if talk to myself. People may think me mad but they just think me mad at that moment and forget me, but if I live for them I have to suffer the whole life. As my memory can not remember many things at a time I have to make a note of my feelings somewhere. Writing in a dairy will not help  because there wil be a chance for the dairy to be lost. So I decided that a blog will serve the purpose. i can easily remember the address and it’l be forever. I write it for myself and not to impress someone. So everything will be true over here and if someone is bothered to read about me then I have no problem because I don’t like secrecy. So I shal post over here twice or thrice a week..

n  ASP