Dec 3, 2010


Welcome to my blog… few months back I removed all my previous posts and emptied my blog. I just felt that there is no necessity for writing a blog. But now I am so much frustated that I didn’t find anyone to share my inner feelings. To be frank I have to say MY LIFE IS SUCKING TO ITS PEAK at this moment. I don’t know about my future and and don’t even dare to dream anything about that coz whatever I wish is going upside down. Some say to be optimistic but I didn’t find anything optimistic regarding that. If anyone starts counting the most unluckiest persons in this world they should start from me and I have my explenations for that. I just have to analyze what made my life this much worst. God is too harsh on me. To my knowledge I didn’t do any harm to anyone. I always wish that everyone around me should be happy, and I always try to make others happy. After these many days when I looked back everyone around me is very happy except me. These dialouges might seem to be very routine in typical indian movies or daily soaps in television, but they do happen… and the example is me.
                I feel like sharing a lot of things, seriously burst out my heart. So I thought of sharing my affliction with someone, so I started thinking who that SOMEONE is. Let me take the probabilities..
1)      1)I came on this beautiful earth just because of my parents. I have been surviving just because of them. Though I was born too late for them they gave me everything, more than what is required for a child from a lower middle class family. As one of my positive point is that I can adjust a lot I didn’t ask for anything what these days so called YOUTH ask their parents like motercycles, playstations etc etc… I always thought that a retaired railway employe giving me a seat in engineering college, giving a PC with internet connection, a mobile etc was more than enough for me and I never even wished anything more. I am very happy with what I have. So afer  thinking this way, I should feel like sharing everything with my parents. But it’l never work out. I am sure about that. I know what my parents need. They just want me to STUDY STUDY and STUDY… they need nothing else. They never even like to talk with me anything other than studies. I always fell like lying beside my mother and talk some stuff. As soon as I start the topic will get diverted to studies. Seriously I feel studies is a part of life but it should never be someones life.( this is purely my feeling and that’s not a saying). I wanna sit beside my dad and talk something jovially. I never tried of that because he never gives me that chance. He is so serious  that what he wants me is only to study. I don’t want to complain on them coz they are paying so much on my studies and they will have that feeling for sure. Even if start saying my problem they say “you just study everything will be fine”. I don’t know how the hell can studying makes me happy..!!! they’l have their feelings and I respect them. Surely I was never that close with my parents to share my personal feelings, so even though i wish I could share something with them I couldn’t. So this probability fails….. I am just a son to my parents and I shal takecare of them forever.
2)     2)The only one who shares my blood is my sister. Being close with my sister is out of question. A damn big age gap between me and her makes it impossible. I really feel it as a wonder how there could be a 20 years gap between siblings. The gap between my nephew and my neice is nearly half to the age gap between me and my sis. Even if I say anything to my sister it is equivalent to saying to my mother. Bloody tata-tata free offer made my mother and sister talk for hours. So they both share everything as there is no much gap between them and both of them. I always wished I have a sister or a brother of my age, and that’s not possible for this life. I always missed the fun one have with their sibling and I always feel jealous when ever my sister’s kids were so close… me little unlucky in this case. So the second probality fails….
3)      3)Then I have to look at my family and relations. Frankly saying, I swear I don’t have any family or relations. My parents might be having a very huge family, large numer of relatives, I never talked with anyone of them. The only way to meet relatives is some functions that are held in the family. And when any function happens in family everyone will go except me. They’l make me sit alone in home, just to study. I don’t know what the hell I am going to achieve in a single or couple of days. I always want to have fun with my family members. Jus go out… chill out… make fun… have fun… play etc etc.. but I am a kinda lonely guy in family. I have many uncles, mamas, cousins but all of them were just there to ask me “ how r u? and how r u studying?” and I hate that..!!  so I feel “ telling that I don’t have a family is better than telling that I have a large family in which no ones  talks with me”. Even if any relatives come to our house they simply ask those bloody two questions and they talk for hours with my parents. they’l always have fun and I used to sit in another room just because I have to study L. So the 3rd probality fails..
4)    4)  Then comes friends.. I have lots of friends… 400 + in my facebook account. Mos t of them like me… some just talk with me casualy and some just stay in touch and some others just stay in my phone book or friends list. For many friends become a part of family, but not for me. I have many best friends. I make masti along with them, crack jokes, talk a lot with them, but never share my sadness with them. I always share my happiness with my friends. I have many friends who are very close to me. Sometimes when I am so frustated I sometimes do try to share my feelings with them, but 90% of them say “ lite tisko” ( take it easy). I don’t know how to take a problem that easy. I used to take everything easy couple of years back and that’s why my life now became so helpless. And some of my friends make fun of my troubles. I seriously don’t like that. I always like to be a reason for someones happiness but I don’t like that happen coz of my sorrow. And I am sure out of heaps of friends that are close with me now, may be 2 or 3 may be the same way they were now after they get settled in their lives. Now everyone has a common profesion called STUDENT. After some days everyone will have some status in society and they will not be the same. If I take that probability and check out the friends that I’l have after some years there are very few members who can be counted on fingers. And out of those few they’l look up on their life just by keeping in touch. Many times I used to think that I am very successful in maintaining relationships, but after a deep thinking I came to a conclusion that I have no best friends or atleast a friend for life. I love the people who love me and thus I love my friends, but I know this love will not last longer… so getting emotionally attached to a friend is not possible for me. One of my positives is that I am a very good observer thus I observed all my friends and concluded that they are all just friends and nothing much.. so the 4th probability fails. I may get some more friends in future, and at this age true friendship is not at all possible. Everyone is so selfish.. probabily I too learn to be selfish(which I don’t know).. then I may suceed in life. may be what I was talking in this category is irrelavent, I can explain that in my next posts.
5)     5)The 5th probability is a hypothetical one. The only relation that I am going to own and stay with forever. My love… I didn’t find any true love of my life. I always wish to have one lover. Not for what these days  love stories happen but to share my joy and sorrow. According to me the true meaning of a lover is that she should be with me in all situations of my life. when all the above four probabilities fail its obvious that I am a lonely guy. Then I feel bad for not having a lover. coz a lover stays with me forever. When I feel happy there will be one who will jump with me, when I feel like crying I’ll get a shoulder, when I am tired I’l get a lap to lie down, when I feel like expressing my love she’l be beside me telling that I am there for u. when my heart is so heavy a simple hug makes it lighter. A kiss in different situations makes me feel so happy becoz I have one person living for me and I have to live for her. I never dreamt of a beautiful girl to become my love. I just wanted a girl who can assure that she will be with me forever in all situations. These days girls just look for security and not for love. If that guy has wealth, study, beauty then girls run behind him. I don’t have any of the qualities menctioned. Neither I am handsome nor I am studious nor I am wealthy. So none of the girls even think of me in such a way. Even I feel that I can not make a girls life miserable simply by loving me. I can not give anything that a girl wishes. All I can do is simply love her and the present days girls need everything except true love. So this hypothetical probability remains as a hypothesis.

After looking at all these probabilities I just felt one thing that as of now there is no one for me. I don’t even know who will leave me at what point of time. But untill I die there will be one person who wil be with me and that one is “ME”. So there will be no question of feeling bad as I can express all my feelings to myself. There will be always truth when I talk to myself. As I can not be seperted from me even if I don’t like me I have to stay with me. The breaking of relation will never arise, so I can be truthful, honest and free. There is no problem if talk to myself. People may think me mad but they just think me mad at that moment and forget me, but if I live for them I have to suffer the whole life. As my memory can not remember many things at a time I have to make a note of my feelings somewhere. Writing in a dairy will not help  because there wil be a chance for the dairy to be lost. So I decided that a blog will serve the purpose. i can easily remember the address and it’l be forever. I write it for myself and not to impress someone. So everything will be true over here and if someone is bothered to read about me then I have no problem because I don’t like secrecy. So I shal post over here twice or thrice a week..

n  ASP

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